Even if you plan on wearing a shapeless ghost sheet because you honestly can’t deal with what pizza and carbs have done to you, you can still look noticeably skinnier by Halloween, which is like, the goal always:
1. Be Tan
Just do it. Whether you choose the cancer-giving sun or a nice slather of faux tanner, being darker makes you look about five pounds less than when you’re pale and pasty.
2. Wear Your Hair Up
Getting your messy-ass
rat’s nest hair off your face helps show off them cheekbones, which, surprise, makes you look thinner. Don’t be gelling it back, though—keep it looser around your face but high off your neck in the back.
3. High-Waisted Pants Are Your Friend
Fucking duh! Your waist is LIKELY to be smaller than the rest of your torso (I mean, I hope), so cinching in on it with high pants gives you a nice hourglass figure.
4. Deep V Necks FTW
If you didn’t already know, deep v-necks showin’ off the girls are PRIME for making yourself look thinner. It gives the illusion of a longer, thinner body and draws attention away from the thunder thigh situation.
5. Distract People With Jewelry
Like moths drawn to flame, distract your audience with jewelry and sparkly shit. By wearing necklaces that draw attention to your face and neck, people are less likely to notice your beer gut.
6. Embrace Shapewear
If SPANX are not your most prized possession already, you better get buddy-buddy with them to look thinner. SPANX and other shapewear come in tops, bottoms, and full-on body suits. Will it be uncomfortable? Yes, but you’ll look great and everyone will be jelly.
7. Go Underwear Shopping
Wearing a bra that doesn’t fit makes those titties look saggy OR squeezed in a gross sorta way? Same rule applies for those undies that are def too tight and make your ass look like 15 pounds of ham in a 5 pound bag. Get it? Buy a bra that fits and underwear that don’t have seams and, therefore, won’t cut you in weird, bulgy ways.
8. Nude Heels Forever
Nothing makes you look like you have cankles quite like a black or dark shoe cutting across your leg or foot. Nude heels and nude shoes keep the sightline going, therefore making your legs seem instantly longer, thinner, and def not chubby.
So, with all this in mind, I assume we’re all wearing our hair up with long sparkly necklaces, deep v cut leotards, high-waisted animal tails, and nude heels for Halloween. Sounds great.
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